Confessions of a 2000 year old man

The Pork Chop Express

Confessions of a 2000 year old man

Lo pan confesses his greatest mistakes

Sexual Mistakes

1) sleeping with that bar skank over 100 years ago in london who knew herpies last forever Im still working on a spell to cure my coroided penis

2) getting drunk and haveing sex with field of cattle and wakieng up in blood soaked clothing to a screaming farmer who wants money for his dead cows.

3) hooking up with a mime. It was like fucking a corpse

4) takeing acid and going to a gay club by mistake and wakieng up the next morning laying next to 3 men and a dog.

5) speed dating in an old rest home... watching golden girls has never been the same since

6) helping clinton with a prostituiton ring

7) helping my cousin roy with a prostitution ring.

8) stealing porn from a homeless man

9) I totally regrett my adult acting career... after one of the girls laughed at me in a spedo im afraid it turned into blood shed and my cover was blown... in more than one way

10) few people know this but Dr. frankenstein was real he was trying to create the perfect wouman unfortunatley he was a necrophilliac and it's tarnished my career.

Weird Mistakes

1) Drinking out of the toilet it seemed reasonable at the time I was living in L.A at the time and was trying to save on utilities....and it was the 60's

2) hitting on barbara walters man that bitch is mean

3) buying michael jacksons soul Little did I know he has a blood thirsty lust for children when All I wanted was to absorb his danceing and singing talent....But don't worry I david Lo pan purged his soul out with a bottle of exlaxe and gummy bears!

4) starting my own boy band with the three storms...Some people still gossip that we were all dateing each other. It was the last time I would frost my hair.

5) donating my back and pubic hair to cancer patients I could have used my hair on my head but I geusse I was being a little vain there.

6) Smoking Weed and feeding my now diseased dog vincent price the 3rd by feeding him my 3 week old cousins diaper. The smell of diaper shit and blood still remains.

7) Drinking a whole bottle of jack and takeing a dump on the hood of a red 2006 mustang GT

8) marying a fat nappy headed trucker wouman who I thought had green eyes but they were infact contacts and I simply made her disapear for her dishonesty towards LO Pan!

9) In an attempt to achieve imortality without the use of magic I gave myself an enema full of presered products hoping the preservatives would preserve my godly body! Instead I had purple diahreah and I smelled like rotten grape jell with a hint of shit.

Political Confessions

1) Hiding under the desk of bill clinton hoping to suprise him I was indeed suprised when I was acompanied by a fluffy wouman who bagn to preform felatio on him.. My regret is not bringing a video camera and a towell.

2) mistakeing hillarys room for chelsies...upon hiding to see a peep show instead of my eyes meeting a 16 year old chick I was met by what looked like a human with reptillian skin and saggy tits.

3) lending Barrack Obama my sneekers now my shoes smell like liberal shit.

4) once for fun I Posed as the offices psychologist stating my exam was mandatory before entering office I gave George Bush jr and ink blot test...It took over 4 hours

5) Giving newt gingrich my phone number now the lame sob wont stop calling me!

6) Looking up richard nixons nose what I saw Ill never say..

7) Teaching Al gore how to use the internet it was a complete disaster and all he could say was I invented the internet and I had it set a certain way what did these assholes do?

Lo pan will eat your soul